Well, I've had a rollercoaster of a day the last 36 hours. I was so excited to start my summer vacation on Monday and it was a beautiful day! I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. At this point, the doctor wants to give me an Ffn test every two weeks. This tests for a protein that serves as a 'glue' to hold the baby into the uterus. If the protein is found outside of the cervix, it means the 'glue' may be disintegrating. If the test is negative, there is essentially no chance you'll deliver in the next 2 weeks. Last time I had the test, it was negative. Yesterday's test, however, was positive. Unfortunately, a positive test doesn't give any CERTAIN answers. They have estimated that it means you may have a 25% chance of delivering in the next two weeks....but it could mean nothing as well. Considering my history and the number of contractions I've been having, my doctor called and said she wanted me on bed rest until I could get in for an ultrasound to check my cervical length.
I did not handle this news well. I pretty much cried for all of my waking hours from 5:30 last night until noon today. I worried about the baby, of course, but I also worried about not being able to take care of Connor, how much Mike would have to do for me, not being able to work and make money, not being able to take care of the house, not being able to prepare the nursery, etc. I pretty much worried about everything.
Luckily, they not only fit me in for an ultrasound today, but my perinatologist happened to be at the Shakopee clinic today, so I was able to talk to her. I like my regular OB, but I just really trust the perinatologist's opinion on these matters. We got some semi-good news. My cervix was still about 2 cm long...shorter but not alarming yet. It is also still closed on the inside. She informed me that I don't officially have be on bed rest, but I need to take it easy. No working at Cub--I have to be on my feet the whole time I'm there. She said I could have Connor home with me, but I need to listen to my body and if I am having a lot of contractions, I need to call in reinforcements. I am planning on still sending him to daycare one day a week, even if I'm not working, and he can still go to my mom's one day a week, so I'll have a couple totally restful days each week.
I have a lot of trouble asking for help, so even today when I was on bed rest and Mike was home, I didn't rest like I should. I really need to put my guilt about Connor aside and focus on keeping this new baby safe. It's just hard to do when Connor's sweet voice is asking me to do something....he has been my whole world for two and half years, so it's hard to focus on the baby that isn't here yet. I know it's not fair to the baby, and I'm going to do my best. I just feel like I'm failing SOMEONE either way. It's hard to feel like I can't do what women are meant to do....stay pregnant for 40 weeks. It's a guilt complex I've had ever since Connor came early. I know it's unreasonable, but it's how I feel.
Every week that I can keep this baby in is a success. I will be 29 weeks tomorrow. Even if I can make it 3-4 more weeks, we'll be in pretty good shape, but my goal all along has been to make it until August at least. It's going to be a long, stir-crazy month of July, but in the grand scheme of life, it's a short amount of time. I just want EVERYONE to remind me of this in another year and half when I think I want another baby :)
Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers!
P.S. Happy Birthday tomorrow to my wonderful husband! I am so lucky to have such a good partner to have a family with and to put up with me. I love you the whole world, Mikey!