It's official. I'm ready to go back to work. I know I'm fortunate to have this time with my kids, but I am at the point where I feel like I'd be a better mother if I wasn't with them all the time. I need time to miss them. I need to appreciate my time with them. I know there are so many mothers who long to be in my position, and I feel horrible, but it's not for me. It's not even the kids, it's the staying home. I feel claustrophobic and bored. I miss being around my colleagues. I miss having time to be just ME instead of MOM. I feel like I've lost a big part of my identity. I know I'm the world to those two little boys, but don't feel like much outside of these walls.
I was looking through old posts and found this one from last May. I was already itching to go back to work back then. Here we are almost a year later, and most days I feel like I'm just in survival mode. It's heartbreaking, because I feel like I'm not the happy, complete mom they deserve to have.
So why don't I just go back to work? Because we literally can't afford for me to go back to teaching right now. Until at least one of the boys is in school (out of daycare), we'd be worse off than we are right now. With the cost of preschool and daycare, we'd have less money than we have right now, and that can't happen. It's pathetic how little teachers (especially parochial school teachers like me) get paid. It's pathetic that someone can want to work so bad it hurts, but can't afford to work. How backwards is that?
In order to get back to work, I'm also considering working in a different field...one that would pay better. BUT, I feel like teaching experience is so unique I'm not qualified for any other kind of work. The thought of working in an office or corporate setting is so foreign to me, it's scary. I've always said if I did any other kind of work I'd want to be a trainer (the corporate kind, not the physical kind...haha) or a retreat leader of some kind....a position where I could use my teaching and speaking skills. I have searched for these types of positions, and don't seem to have the experience they are looking for....although many do list Education as an acceptable degree.
If anyone reading this works for a company or corporation with a training department and could maybe help me out in this area, I'd appreciate it. It would be fun to try something new. I feel like this would be the perfect time to do it, when I don't have a teaching job I'd be giving up.
If the right job comes up, I'll have to see what we can do to work it out. If no good opportunities present themselves, I'll have to survive another year and a half at home. In fall of 2015, Connor starts kindergarten and Bryce will be in preschool five mornings a week, so child care will become much more affordable. In the meantime, I'm just praying for answers. Praying a job opportunity will come my way. Praying we'll find a way to make daycare, preschool transportation, and preschool tuition work. Praying I will find fulfillment in whatever situation I find myself in.
I know that this time with little ones is hard and doesn't last forever. I know that things will get easier. I know I will long for these days when the boys grow up. Right now, though, it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate this blog space as a way to "let it all out". Thanks for allowing me to vent.
Stay warm everyone! This winter has GOT TO GO!
xoxo, Julie
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