While I've been working really hard on being positive and not worrying about Bryce's Down syndrome, I do still have my moments (days) when I feel sadness. Bryce has been doing so great, and I know we are blessed particularly with his health. I have told myself over and over again that I need to change my expectations for him. He most likely won't sit at six months. He most likely won't take his first steps around his first birthday. He most likely won't talk for a few years. Logically, I know that. Up until now, we've been able to kind of forget about it, because he is pretty much is doing everything he should be doing. As I mentioned in my last post, he actually exceeds expectations in a lot of areas.
The other day, I tried to put Bryce in the baby swing again. The last couple times I've tried it, he couldn't hold himself up well enough to sit in there. He has now gotten really big, so I thought I'd try again. He looked so big in there. He seemed to fill the whole thing up! But he still couldn't hold himself up well enough. I left him in there for a few minutes, and he seemed content, but I was afraid to leave his side for fear he would cut off his air supply. It made me so sad. He's three months old and he cannot hold his head up. It has been the one concern I have had from the start. He is so strong that he can go up on his elbows and roll over during tummy time, but if you sit him up on your lap or shoulder, he can't hold his head up. Of all the issues we could have, I know this is a minor thing. I know that he won't be three years old and still unable to hold his head up. I know these things logically. I know logically that I need to give him extra time for things. But emotionally, it hit me. It snapped me out of the dream I have that he will be the exception.
It is weird the things that hit me. Most days are fine, but we really are still on a roller coaster. Even though I feel like now that he is three months he starting to fall behind, there have also been some highlights over the past week or so. Bryce finally smiled for the first time on Halloween night. He has seemed to be on the brink for a month already (he just has a happy looking face), but that was the first time there was no question--he smiled back at me. I cried. It was so beautiful. Not only did it light up his whole face, but it was like an accomplishment. He has to try so hard to do it. First, he focuses really hard on our smiling faces, then his lips start twitching, then he scrunches up his eyes, and finally his mouth opens up into this huge smile. It is so sweet. I hope that it starts getting easier for him soon so we can start getting rewarded more often :)
Another thing that has made me proud lately is the relationship the two boys are starting to have. I still worry about the day we have to explain things to Connor, or the day Bryce starts to think things are unfair, but I am hopeful that they will have a "normal" sibling relationship. Everything I have read tells me that these kiddos have normal love-hate relationships with their siblings and I know Connor will be a better person because of Bryce. Already, Bryce LOVES Connor. If he hears his voice, he will whip his head around until he can find him. He watches Connor so intently. He even smiled while watching Connor sing a song the other day. And Connor is starting to interact with him so much more and is always asking about Bryce's whereabouts. It is so fun to watch them together!
I am still struggling with my expectations for Bryce. I want to keep my expectations high so I can push him to do his best, but I'm afraid I will continuously be saddened or disappointed. I hope I get to the point where I can just relax and let him progress at his own pace. I hope I get to the point where I can just applaud every accomplishment without thinking about how long it took, or what is coming next. I hope I get to the point where I can watch how hard he struggles and just be proud and inspired instead of sad. I know I will get there. I need to give myself time, too.
I'll leave you with a few cute pictures :) Take care!
|First Halloween/3 months!|
|Working on that smile!|