30 Days of Thankfulness

Hi Friends--

   I've been absent for a while....not much to report. Mike was out of the country for three weeks in October, and I tend to just go into survival mode when he's gone.

   It is November now, and I was reminded yesterday of the Thirty Days of Thankfulness "campaign" that has been around on facebook for the past few Novembers. I did it a couple years ago, and found that it is a great exercise....one I should probably practice 365 days a year, not just thirty. If you haven't heard of it, basically you just look back at the end of each day and find something you're thankful for. In my case, I put it on facebook, but simply telling your family, spouse, or writing it in a journal would work too.

   Since Bryce was born, I have found myself being thankful so much more often than I did before. I wallowed in self-pity and "why us?" for a while, but since then I've been reminded over and over again that there is always someone worse off than I am. When Bryce was still in the hospital after his birth, and I was still in grief-mode, a nurse came to talk to me about her son, who is severely disabled and needs care 24 hours a day. I think I said something very insensitive at the time, but it was really a turning point for me. If we had to have a "disabled" child, we hit the jackpot with Down syndrome. I put disabled in quotes, because I don't consider my son disabled. He is able to do everything everyone else is....just at his own pace. Being a part of a new community of people has made me so much more aware of parents whose children are sick or truly disabled, and I am constantly looking at BOTH of my healthy kids and sending little "thank yous" up to God. It could change at any moment.

    Life is so fragile. It is so hard to remember this on the hard days. You'll be surprised how much stopping to think about what you're thankful for changes your way of thinking. If you've never participated in Thirty Day of Thankfulness, I challenge you to do it this year. You'll be amazed by the silver linings you find--especially on days when nothing seems to be going right.

    Today I am thankful for all of you, my friends! Take care.

Six Years

    Yesterday, Mike and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. As I reflected on what a good man he is, I started thinking about how thankful I am to have met him. That led me to thinking about fate, God's plan, luck, etc.

     On March 31st, 2005, my friend Jess and I went out to Axel's Bonfire in Savage like we often did on weekend nights. They had great dueling pianos, and it was a fun bar not too far from home. That night, Mike also happened to be there. He wasn't much into going to bars, and certainly didn't go out in Savage very often. His friend was moving, and they were having a good-bye party. It took a lot of stolen glances across the room and quite few beers before we got the nerve to talk to each other. He told me he was going to take me out....I told him he could, but that I probably wouldn't talk and it would be awkward (I wasn't trying to talk him out of it, I just found dating very awkward and wanted to give him fair warning).

       A week or two went by, and he hadn't called. I had given my number to plenty of guys at bars and rarely expected them to actually call. But I had a feeling about this one. I was pretty surprised and let down when he didn't call. BUT, apparently he didn't stop thinking about me either; he eventually worked up the nerve and we went out. I was shy and awkward on our first date, but he stuck it out. Two and a half years later, we were married, and the rest is history. (I'm sure there are plenty of times now that he misses that QUIET girl he took on a first date!)

    Every once in a while, as I did yesterday, I think, what if I hadn't gone out that night? What if Mike and his friends had decided to go to the Bonfire in Eagan instead, like they usually did? Would God have put him in my life in a different way? Would I still be single and waiting for the one? Maybe I would have married someone else. Maybe he would have. I might even have kids...but they wouldn't be OUR kids. I like to think God made Mike for me and that our kids are meant to be, but I just don't know. All I know is that I'm thankful it worked out the way it did. I am so blessed to have a man who puts me first, is a wonderful father, provides for his family, and never makes me question his feelings for me.

   We had such a beautiful day for our wedding. Thank you, Mikey, for sticking with me. It's been a roller coaster of a six years, and I look forward to the rest of the ride. Love you bunches!

    

    

Preschool!

     Today was Connor's first day of preschool. He was so excited! I mean REALLY excited....not the least bit nervous.

      On Tuesday, there was an open house/practice run in which we got to participate. Connor got to find his locker and cubby, and the teachers prepared a scavenger hunt for the kids to find all the important things in the classroom. Connor looked a little bit like a deer in headlights, but there were lots of new people and surroundings, so I wasn't surprised.
  

      At one point the teacher asked all the kids to sit on a blanket so she could say a few things.She ended up talking to the parents for quite some time, and by the end of it, Connor was one of only two kids left on the blanket. At one point, a little girl was whispering things to him. I was too far away to know what the conversation was about. When I asked him later, he said, "She kept talking and I was saying shhhhhhh...." I think we may have a little goody two-shoes on our hands :)

      Because I got to participate in the open house on Tuesday, I decided it would be best to make today as normal as possible, so Mike dropped Connor off at preschool while I stayed home with Bryce (this is how it will normally happen). It was harder on Daddy than it was on Connor :)

   
    Bryce's EI teacher was here most of the time Connor was gone, so I was distracted from worrying about how he was doing. Before I knew it, it was time to pick him up. When I got there he was still in good spirits. I want to know what he did EVERY second he was there, but of course I've only gotten vague details. Whatever happened, there were no tears and he's home in one piece. Such an exciting time! I think we're all going to like it.

Beginning of the End....

        In a few weeks, my first baby will start preschool. In some ways, it has been a long time coming, but in other ways I can't believe it. I have been so excited for him to start preschool....being a November baby, he's been three for a while now, but wasn't old enough to start last year. He is so ready, and I think it's going to be very good for him. I think it will also be good for our relationship...like any three year old, he is very strong-willed, and being home this last year, we have butted heads on a regular basis. Having a break from one another a couple mornings a week will probably be good for us.

      But, as the actual start of school draws near, the excitement is morphing into something else. Something that makes me really close to tears every time I think about it. It's the end of his babyhood. It's the end of that time together that everyone says goes so fast. The end of the really, really difficult time that everyone told me to appreciate while it lasted....and many days I haven't appreciated it. And now I'm sorry for that. Yes, I realize he'll only be gone for three hours, two days a week. But it's the beginning of the end.

     School means new friends, new independence, new skills....but it also means new insecurities, hurt feelings, injustices, and hard lessons. Things that will break my heart because they break his. I know that this is how kids learn, and that we all went through it, but I dread it. I dread feeling that hurt for my kids. I hope I can make through all that without punching some kid for messing with mine (kidding....kind of). I hope I can teach Connor how to make it through all that without making my anxieties rub off on him. I hope I can love him so much he'll have confidence and security no matter what happens at school.

    

    Dear Connor,

I am so proud of you. You surprised us by coming six weeks early, and haven't stop surprising us ever since. You surprise us with your humor, compassion, and unbelievable vocabulary. The way you comprehend and process things is far beyond that of a three-year old. You hold me accountable for my actions the way I hold you accountable for yours. You have been my greatest teacher and best buddy. I am sorry for the times I didn't appreciate every second I've gotten to spend at home with you. I know you will do so well at preschool. Your teachers and classmates will be so lucky to have a character like you in their class. I can't wait to watch you learn and grow even more, but I also want you to stay my baby forever. Don't leave your mama, okay? I love you whole world, big boy.

    Love, Mama

Bryce is ONE!

Hi Friends,
 
   I'm so late with this post, but between Mike and I both traveling and kids who don't want to nap, I haven't found the time to blog!

   On July 31st, our little sweetheart turned one. Even though in some ways Bryce was born a lifetime ago, I remember all the details of his birth and time in the hospital like it was yesterday, so it's hard to believe it's been a whole year.

    Bryce got to spend his real birthday with his Grammy (my mom), because I had to work. She made us a joint birthday dinner and cake that evening. Bryce LOVES to eat, so he was happy! The following Saturday, we had a little family birthday party for him. It was a beautiful day, so we were able to be outside. It was a great day! Connor is always an excellent host and very excited for everyone to be at our house.

  

 

 Dear Bryce, 

     At twelve months, you are such a joy. Even though there has been a slow-down in your large motor skills lately, you have been focusing instead on fine motor skills and developing your stubborn, sassy, and sweet personality. You love to make faces (especially for the camera), and have quite a loud scream when you think you're not getting enough attention. You say "hi" by waving (seeing your cute chubby hand on the end of that short little arm melts my heart every time), smile at everyone, and finally raise your own arms when I ask "how big is Brycey?". You LOVE harassing your brother by grabbing at his toys, and harassing mama by grabbing any electrical cord, dog toy, or anything else you're not supposed to have. I really fear that I will have my hands full with you when you start walking! It took you a while to get the hang of feeding yourself, but one day you just got it, and never turned back. You LOVE eating, and aren't very happy when I still try to give you baby food. Bryce, I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. Right when I start to feel down about things, you do something that brings me to tears and shows me it will be alright. You do things at your own pace, and you do it all with a smile. Thank you, sweet Bryce, for choosing me to be your mom! 

xoxo

Creed

      In five days, our sweet Bryce will be one year old. A whole year. I can't believe it. While the days surrounding his birth and diagnosis are a blur, I also remember it like it was yesterday. It's hard to fathom that it was a whole year ago. I am a different person than I was that day. That little boy has taught me so much and changed my perspective on a lot of things.

      After he was born, I felt the need to tell everyone I ran into that he has Down syndrome. I didn't want people wondering and feeling awkward. The first question most people would ask is, "and you didn't know ahead of time?". I would usually answer that it was "the worst day of my life". Now I wonder how I ever could have said such a thing. How could the day that this little blessing was born be the worst day of my life?? I think what I meant to say was that it was the hardest day of my life. That is certainly fair to say. It was definitely the hardest day of my life. I was devastated. If only I knew that day what I know now.

      Now I know that it doesn't matter. That my life as I knew was over, but not in a bad way. That this little boy was sent by God to teach me to love. To change my ways. To really SEE people. To count my blessings. Whenever I start to go down the "why us" path (which still happens occasionally), God shows me that I have it so good. There is always someone worse off than me. Bryce is healthy. All of his limbs work. He wakes up every day with a smile on his face. He cries when he hurts, and laughs when he's happy, and yells when he wants attention.He gets into things he shouldn't and makes silly faces for the camera. He is a normal baby who happens to have loose joints and goes at a slower pace. He is pure joy.

      I recently came across this poem, but there was no credit given to the author. I googled a line of it and discovered that they call it the Down Syndrome Creed. The author is unknown. It says everything I wish I could say. I wish everyone could experience loving one of these children.

 My face may be different
But my feelings the same
I laugh and I cry
And I take pride in my gains
I was sent here among you
To teach you to love
As God in the heavens
Looks down from above
To Him I'm no different
His love knows no bounds
It's those here among you
In cities and towns
That judge me by standards
That man has imparted
But this family I've chosen
Will help me get started
For I'm one of the children
So special and few
That came here to learn
The same lessons as you
That love is acceptance
It must come from the heart
We all have the same purpose
Though not the same start
The Lord gave me life
To live and embrace
And I'll do it as you do
But at my own pace.

             Happy Birthday, sweet Brycey. Thank you for choosing us!

 

Achievements

       As with most people, I have a mental "bucket list" for the summer, but mine mostly consists of things I want my boys to achieve. For Bryce, I really really  REALLY want(ed) him to be sitting on his own by his first birthday, and I want him to be scooting/crawling proficiently by the end of the summer. For Connor, potty training and bike pedaling are the goals.

      The 4th of July is the unofficial mid-summer mark (remember, I'm still on teacher-time), and I got a little down/frustrated seeing that these goals are not being achieved. Short of a miracle, there is no way Bryce is going to be sitting on his own by the time his b-day rolls around in 3 weeks. He is so proficient at rolling to get where he wants, that I fear we won't achieve the crawling goal either, but there's still time for that one :). Connor is refusing potty training (he has amazing control though...he just held his pee for 5 hours this morning) and will hardly take his trike out of the garage, let alone pedal it. Upon thinking about these things, I started on a path of self-abuse...am I not working with them enough? What am I doing wrong? Are my efforts actually setting them back, instead of moving them forward? It seems as though Bryce hasn't changed much since May--why is his development stalling?

    Then, the other day, I had an epiphany. Bryce's development hasn't stalled. He has been very busy, in fact. He has discovered how to be silly. He can put his pacifier in his own mouth. He has sprouted three teeth. He has become much more vocal (a really good sign for kids with DS). He can pace himself with his sippy cup. Two weeks ago, he was struggling with finger foods--now he gets about 70% of the food in his mouth on the first try. Whoa. He's developing like crazy--just not in the ways I planned.

    Connor needs to be potty trained in order to start preschool. He's just not doing it. It's a huge cause of stress for me, but I don't want to discuss it. It's too much. I want him to be able to get a bike next summer, but he doesn't want to learn to pedal. He's driving me nuts with these things. Why? Why not just revel in the amazing things that child says and does? He's hilarious. He's creative. He's so stinking smart. He may not be ready for preschool in the potty area....but he subtracts his Skittles as he eats them. He knows about canyons and geysers and measuring things by "units". He bakes imaginary cakes-measuring out all the correct ingredients. The other day, he asked me to count by 9s to 99, 8s to 88, 7s to 77, all the way down to 1s to oney-one :) He's awesome. Yes, he needs to get potty trained (prayers needed), but why should that be my only measure of his success this summer?

     We often hear about parents living vicariously through their kids. I won't necessarily need to do this, as  my parents always found a way for me to experience all I wanted to experience. But, I am certainly guilty of trying to get my kids to fit my mold....and they are doing a great job of showing me that's not necessarily how it's going to be. What wonderful lessons these little ones can teach us, if we'd only get out of our own way and listen.